The resolute rebuild of a warrior spirit woman
10 years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
The advice I got to heal myself was to "leave your family, take time out and go live on a mountain for a year".. This won't go away unless you leave it all behind.
Being a mother of 2 very little children and a wife, I knew two things for sure:
That I would not be leaving them to go and live on a mountain top.
That was not good advice.
So the long slow process of healing began.
Firstly though let me take you back to how I honestly believe it came to be that I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
My first child was born via emergency C-Section at 6am in the morning after a night of contractions had worn us both out. Mainly because up until 3pm the afternoon before I had been in the office working. I popped out of the office quickly to head to the doctor as I hadn't felt well. The doctor told me I was in labor and I would be going right to the hospital not back to the office. Damn, I was under pressure and on deadline and this was not in the plan...
Prolonged lack of sleep, my fears of being a mum, going back to my career and then the passing of immediate family members brought a new level of stress to my body that I had never known. Still I pushed forward at a relenting pace.
When I was a little girl, I was a busy child. My mum used to say to me, "I watch you and it's like you always have a monkey on your back".. When stress appeared for me in any form I would try and out run it. A trait I definitely took into adulthood. Surely I could outrun the exhaustion. So I took up long distance running.
My 2nd child was born via C-Section and I had been battling low iron all pregnancy. I had a beautiful OB who said I would be able to go back to running not long after she was born. So I did. I set distances and fought myself each day to haul my ass out the door and hit the road. When she was 10 weeks old I went back to my career, working long hours and living with a hectic travel schedule.
Away at a conference I had been at dinner and got into my room about midnight. I was so tired I sat on the floor of the shower leaning against the glass. I thought I was going to be there all night. Exhaustion had chased me down again.
I was beyond sleep. I felt like I had spiralled into a place that was hollow. A void of exhaustion that I couldn't fight, drag, or pull myself out of. So I lay awake for the rest of the night, trying to will myself to sleep. The next morning light appeared and I didn't move. The conference schedule was breakfast at 6:30am first speaker at 8am.
The room was silent. I couldn't even hear my own breath.
The morning call from the family came through. I spoke to everyone as the tears streamed down my face. I couldn't let them down. They were relying on me to be a warrior for them. Out of bed and back into the shower, the day happened with sheer numbness. I was beyond exhaustion and had gone to a place I had never been.
I didn't hear conversations, I just did whatever everyone else was doing to get it done.
That afternoon I called and made an appointment at the doctor.
That week I went and had bloods and all sorts of fun tests done.
The results came in, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Then the advice. Leave it all behind and find a mountain top, you will need to be there for at least a year. No stress, nothing but organic food, no exercise, no wifi, nothing but meditation and total rest.
At the time I was the sole income provider in my little family. That was never a viable option. There would be no mountain top. I felt like my survival was being challenged, how was I going to live like this?. Warriors don't lay down.
Joy had gone. My spirit was fading. Defeat looked imminent.
If I took anything from the mountain top conversation it was that I had to find rest when I could. Look for holes in my schedule and rest. I found moments to consume all and any information I could about how other people had healed from their chronic fatigue syndrome.
Rest with two small children is laying on the couch and watching Dora together. Sitting in the yard blowing bubbles. Playdough every chance we got. Rest with two small children came through play. A skill I had never harnessed until now.
Work continued and the daily haul of a relenting schedule made for very slow progress. People would tell me how tired I looked. People would tell me how much weight I had put on. People would tell me I was no fun anymore.
It was of course meet with a smile and an underlying thought of " you seriously have no idea how tired, heavy and out of joy I really freaking am"..
The google research took me on some incredible experiences of which I will share with you in the coming posts. The information I found taught me that I was always going to experience this. The choices I had made up to this point were all leading to where I had arrived at an almost complete stop.
A life lesson so great I would be inspired to go onto change my career and meet myself all over again.
Wiser, stronger, steadfast to holding my intuition sacred, resolute in the rebuild.
So the healing began. One breath at a time.
I didn't need to travel to a mountain top, I needed a one way ticket home to myself.
This journey was never external, I had to learn to go within.
Over the coming posts I want to share with you a series of practices, potions and people that worked to help me find my way forward to balance, joy and desire.
Let me share the learnings I gained, implemented to heal and rebuild so I could become a more connected stronger warrior spirit woman.
Stay close to the learnings and subscribe here or connect on any of the socials. Perhaps you would rather drop me a line at: firstname.lastname@example.org to share with me how you healed your way to health after crisis meet you at the door to your life.